January 7, 2004

Last night was void of good sleep. I think I went to bed after one in the morning, and I forced myself. I had no dreams which is highly unusual for me normally, but especially unusual during pregnancy. Still I managed to get myself up with the kids and get things done.

Reagan and I actually finished the formal lessons for the week. On WEDNESDAY! He didn't miss a word on his final spelling test. Now I figure we'll take 2 days off and start again on Saturday. I really like this system. He gets a definite break, we work at a good pace, he's learning at whatever pace is comfortable for him, and he really feels that he's progressing. He was very proud of himself.

Dominic got home early today, which gave him a nice break. We took the kids to the Chinese buffet for dinner, and I've completely convinced myself that it was educational. We're studying China, we talked to people from China about China, we looked at pictures of China, we learned some about Chinese cooking and how they eat. I really may be stretching to make educational experiences out of everyday occurrences, but isn't that true education? Isn't it real learning when you can make it relatable to your everyday life? The people at the restaurant tried to teach Reagan to say "goodbye" in Chinese, but neither one of us quite got it. It really was a lot of fun. I for one really needed it!

I actually felt better this evening. Maybe this funk that's been hanging over me the last couple of weeks is finally going away. Again, I think that FLYlady has actually been a help. By working around the house in short bursts I can actually get motivated to do it, my house is in fairly good order, and it's easier for me to feel better in a house that's clean. I should find out if there's been any research done on the effect of clean surroundings on depression.

On the J. front there has been no response to my latest e-mail nor to my requests for an update on his address and phone number. Also no return call to Reagan who is blessedly not bothered. He has come to view J. as someone on the periphery of his life. He's a cool guy to hang out with and have fun with. I have started a notebook to keep track of visits, phone calls, e-mails, child support payments, etc. I do wonder how he manages to keep a drivers license. Of course if he lost it, I'm not sure I'd be notified, and the thought has crossed my mind that if he doesn't have it he might not tell me and could be driving our son around without one. I also came to the conclusion that he was right about something. He has long believed that I don't trust him. I realized last night that I really don't. And it has more to do with him not making good choices for his life than his not being likable.

He's blamed his lack of child support on a "run of bad luck with work" but it's been going on for seven years. When does it become your responsibility? When do you finally say, "Hey, maybe I should start making my own luck and stop letting life happen TO me."? If I can't trust him to make decisions for himself, how can I trust that he'll make good decisions for Reagan? This isn't a favorite book or possession that we're talking about, it's my child. Trust is earned, and in my mind to earn it would be to pay child support, be consistent with visitation and contact (i.e. phone calls, etc.), and to keep us informed on current address phone number and work info.

Maybe I'm too demanding, but I'm quite willing to be so with my children. I suppose it's a drawback to my nature that I really like people and have a hard time remaining angry (Celtic temper, flares up and dies away!). I do tend to believe the best about people most of the time and keep expecting that they will be who I believe they can be. But that will never interfere with how I raise or protect my children. The mommy instinct in me is stronger than anything else and I'll do whatever is necessary to make sure that they are cared for, loved, protected, and nurtured.

I did tell J.what my expectations are of him in the e-mail I sent him. I also requested that his correspondence with me be kept on a more civil tone. I informed him that I keep all written communication between the two of us. Maybe that's why he hasn't written back.

I really prefer communicating via e-mail as there is a record! I don't know if it's admissible in court, should it come to that, but at least I'll have it. As much as I love research, logic, and debate it actually never occurred to me to study law until my husband was in court fighting for more time with his daughter. I've never wanted to be a lawyer so badly in all my life. I think my new hobby may become to study California family law. Just a nice, light hobby, right? A little light reading before bed, maybe?

Who'd have thought that an on-line journal could become such a source of comfort as an outlet for thought and an inlet for support. Thank you to all.