A Mom's Mission Statement

I've written over 1000 blog posts. Most of them have been read maybe 100 times. I'm not a prolific blogger, I've just been doing this for over ten years. I'm not a really popular blogger either, you know without the giveaways, lists of how you too can have a perfect family (just like mine!), or the fancy graphics that would make a reader think I've got it all together. It's mostly a tune-in and see how Anne's day went crazy kind of blog.

But I have one post that has been read thousands of times. I wrote it over four years ago, and it was still the most read post on this blog this past week. So, what on earth could I possibly write about that would draw over 17,000 people to come and read it?

Micheal Pearl, No Greater Joy Ministries, and that monstrosity of a parenting book To Train Up A Child. 

The petition to request Amazon to remove this book from it's shelves, is still available here, by the way.

The Pearls clearly have major issues. Their advice has been shown to be dangerous and wrong. And don't even get me started on what they tell women who are being abused by their husbands. I find it disgusting that Micheal Pearl has made money hand over fist by teaching people how they too can be raging assholes to their kids, ya know, for Jesus.

Oh yeah. Did I mention (to those unfamiliar with the Pearls), that they teach their methods as "Godly" parenting?  Sure. I'm sure that's how the Good Lord works. He sets you up to fail, and then beats you when you do. I must have just been absent the day they taught that in Sunday School.

But it got me thinking, if we clearly don't think we need to smack our kids around in order to teach them, what is our approach? What's our goal?

Here's what I came up with for myself. It's practically professional, seriously!: *cough* Ahem:

I am your mother. Your mom. Your mommy. That nasty lady who makes you brush your teeth and clean up at the end of the day. You are my children, whom I made with...a little help. It took many months and a lot of discomfort to get you here, and your success in this whole life thing is pretty important to me. 

I want you kids to be good people. Not perfect. Not rich. Not powerful. I don't care what jobs you have when you grow up, or how much money you make. (Though, please, do get a job and don't live in my basement forever.)

I want you to be kind. I want you to be good. I want you to look at the world around you and see ways that you can make it better. I want you to know that nothing will prevent bad times from coming, but that if you're good people, when the bad times come, you won't be alone.  

To that end, I will keep talking to you about your relationships, kids at school, and how to improve how you communicate with others so that you can truly connect with them. I will encourage you to do the right thing when it's hard. And I will stand by you when you do. I will believe in you and be here every day, no matter what. I will talk about what's going on in the world, and I will encourage you to get involved, even if we disagree politically. I want you to think for yourself. (Although if you think a little like me, I probably won't tell you to stop.) 

I will teach you that everything you do comes with a certain level of responsibility. I mean it. Even sex. Sex, by the way, I will talk about openly and without shame. I want you to know what everything is, what everything does, and how to be responsible with it. It may embarrass you sometimes, but it doesn't embarrass me. Becoming a grandmother before I'm 40, that might embarrass me.  Let's not do that, m'kay? 

I want you to respect me, so I will teach you how, by modeling it for you. I believe that each of you is your own unique person, and not a part of me, though I will always feel like you are. I cannot live your life for you, and I can not live my life through you. My idea of success will be in the character you cultivate and in how you treat others. Your kind heart, is how I will measure how well I've done. Well, that and how much of Star Wars you have memorized. A mom's gotta have her standards. 

I love you, I love you, I love you. I will never stop. You are my mission. I promise to parent you with kindness, respect, and a little bit of humor, acknowledging that you carry within you, threads of the divine. You deserve to be safe and loved every day, you deserve to laugh and have joy in your life, and I will always try to give that to you. 

So, that's my mission statement. I may need to put that up somewhere so that I can read it when they're all yelling at each other and driving me crazy. Or when I'm driving them crazy. Not that that happens, mind you, because I'm such an amazing mom they really just spend all day bringing me bon bons and asking to rub my feet.

At the end of the day I can at least rest easy in the knowledge that I'm a hell of a lot better a parent than Micheal Pearl. Of course, that's setting the bar really low.

*****

You read all the way through that? Thanks! If you liked it, click the link below which registers a vote for me, would you? Thanks. You're the best!

Training Children, Kills: The Pearl's To Train Up A Child, Revisited

Sean Paddock, Lydia Schatz, Hana Williams. These beautiful children who had long lives ahead of them, are all three gone now.  What they had in common was that their parents all read To Train Up A Child, and followed it's methods.

The Pearl's books appeal to parents who need a system for discipline.  Parents who feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the task of raising children.  Parents who want to follow God and raise their kids the best way possible.  They appeal to parents who are slightly desperate, and who want nothing more in the world, than to do their job right.  And the Pearl's speak with such authority, they seem like they must know what they're talking about.

The Pearl's say that it isn't their methods and books that have lead to the deaths of these children, but I can tell you that it is.  That when they say to spank a child until he is broken to a parents will and "without breath to complain", when they say that if you are not getting 100% obedience, it is because you as the parents aren't doing enough, and when they recommend switching with plumbing supply line that can break down the tissues in the body until the toxins overload a child's system, then yes.  It is absolutely their methods that are leading to the utter destruction of these families, and the loss forever, of these children.

If you have found my blog from The Examiner article, thank you for checking me out.  I hope you'll stick around and read some more.  If you're interested in more of what's wrong with To Train Up A Child and the No Greater Joy "Ministry", please see my labels in the side bar, they're listed under NGJ.  Or click here.

And please, sign the petition.  Amazon still sells these books.  It's where I bought them when I read them.  They're going into the hands of parents who need answers, not the child abuse manual the Pearl's have written.

Thank you!

Evidence of Something

I used to go listen to a Pastor at a Calvary Chapel in Orange County.  He'd ask us, frequently, if we were on trial for being Christians, would there be enough evidence to convict?

My idea of being "Christian enough" became the answer to that question.  I was "Christian enough" if there was enough evidence in my life to convict me.  Did I read my Bible?  Did I quote enough scripture?  Did I watch the right movies, read the right books, talk about the right things, vote the right way?  Most importantly, how did I parent?

So, it's really not surprising that a book promising to answer all my parenting questions, and show the world my "Godly" family, would be appealing to me as a young overwhelmed mom.  Especially when I thought I had to show the world my religion.

I've written more than once about the Pearl's and my experience with their book, To Train Up a Child.  I'd like to say that it's just another chapter in my parenting book, but I think it's probably the only chapter that I wish I could rip out and pretend never happened.  While I figured out pretty quickly that to follow their methods meant that I would end up beating my children, I still feel like a complete idiot for accepting their authority with so little work on my part.  It is truly my biggest, most epic, parenting fail.

So now, with another death linked to the Pearl's parenting book, even newspapers are wanting to cover this angle, and they're looking for people to talk to.  People who, like me, stopped drinking the Kool-Aid.  I'm considering talking to them, but it scares me a bit.

I've considered that Pearl's followers will look at me, no longer a Christian, and dismiss anything I say as I'm so obviously Satan's mouthpiece now (that was sarcasm, just in case anyone missed it).  But then, if I can get even one parent to reconsider, or if I can help encourage Amazon and other vendors not to carry their books in the first place, it really may be worth it.

In the end, I'm sure that at one time I would have been convicted easily of being a Christian.  But the trappings and evidence of a religion are not necessarily the same as a deep and abiding faith.  It's a shame to confuse the two.

For more posts on the Pearl's, what they teach, and my experiences with them, click on NGJ under the "Labels" heading or in the footer of this post.  And see this site, as well.

To Train Up A Parent

An Open Letter To Michael Pearl:

Hey, Mr. P.  I'm sure you don't know me at all since you rarely deign to speak to your critics.  Your followers show up from time to time, though, when I when I write about you.  They try, valiantly, to defend you.  Honestly, for the life of me, I can't understand why.

You don't just teach about how to train up children.  You essentially train up parents, too.  You train them to ignore every instinct they have to love and protect their kids.  You train them to punish and condition their children in a way that is totally out of proportion to what they deserve, and offers no temperance, no grace, no mercy.  You train them to set their own children up to fail, and to whip them when they do.

You tell women that it's "Godly" to stay with child molesting husbands, to only report physical abuse if they leave bruises lasting longer than two hours, and to forgive all because "God hates divorce".  In fact, you tell women that the time their husbands might spend in prison for the abuse of their family, is a time to work on the "romance".  That made me throw up in my mouth a little.  What an ignorant and misogynistic thing to say.  Do you know what that means, Mr. Pearl?  Should I make the words smaller for you?    It probably doesn't matter since you've already decided that those who disagree with you just plain aren't Godly.  I'm okay with that.

You, your wife, and your organization pervert the teachings of a Peaceful Christ, to teach the abuse of women and children.  It's disgusting, and you should be ashamed of yourself.  I read on your website, how you have attributed your negative publicity, not to the deaths of children like Lydia Schatz (who died after being whipped with the plumbing line you recommended), or the many legitimate issues with the things you've said over the years, but to the Lesbians and leftists who are maliciously misrepresenting you.

Well, Mr. P, though I'm sure you could find many reasons to hate a woman like me, I would chose to stand with the Lesbians and the leftists any day of the week rather than overgrown, pompous, self-righteous, and deluded bullies like yourself.  What you teach is wrong.  And you should beg those you've harmed for forgiveness.  Not that you ever would, of course.  You strike me as a man too proud for that kind of thing.  I wonder if you could manage to fall to your knees for the Jesus you claim to believe in.

Unless there's any further news, this will be the last I write of you.  You and all you stand for disgust me.  That this is actually an issue for discussion among people who are faithful to a loving God, disturbs me even more.  I can't imagine Jesus telling people to buy quarter inch plumbing line to keep around the house for beating their children with.

One day, I hope you shut up.  Not because I particularly care anymore about what you have to say, or how you defend your bullshit methods.  More because I know that someone, somewhere will keep reading what you have to say, and I'd hate for more innocent children to die because you're an arrogant ass.

At War With The Pearl's...

I don't have too many Internet Enemies. I'm sure there are people out there who can't stand me, but generally we all leave each other alone. Still, if I could pick an Internet Nemesis, I think I might like it to be Michael Pearl.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I wish the man any ill will. I mean, I might have wondered what it would be like if someone could treat him for a few days the way he recommends treating children.  Somehow, I don't think he'd like being beaten with a switch.  But that's not the same.  I genuinely loathe all that he and his teachings stand for. As a parent and as a person whose spirituality focuses on how important love is, I just can't fathom why anyone would teach parents the methods he does, or how he can call it Godly.

One of my BFF's told me that I'm a prime example of how people can raise their children exactly the opposite of how Pearl teaches, and be raising great kids. I'm sure Michael Pearl would disagree. I'm the kind of mom Michael Pearl warns people about! This gentle parenting mumbo-jumbo led me to kids who don't always listen, no longer homeschooling, and worst of all, leaving Christianity behind. Of course, my faith still leaves room for me to love Jesus. And I do. But I had to leave the religion before I people like Michael Pearl made me toss out the good with the bad.

I hope Michael Pearl learns whatever he needs to and one day stops teaching people that the way to raise good kids is by training them through ritualized whipping. I hope that no other kids are hurt or killed at the hands of parents following these methods. I'm sure he hopes I come to my senses, and start raising my kids "God's way". In the meantime, I'll be proud to be someone who speaks out against all that No Greater Joy teaches.

I'm sure they'll have all kinds of ways of dismissing anything I say. But I'm not going to shut up. Not when children like Lydia Schatz have died because of what this man teaches.

The Paradise couple accused of beating their adopted daughter to death and critically injuring another will not be going trial after reaching a last minute plea deal with prosecutors. Trial for Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz was to begin Monday, but on Friday afternoon Kevin Schatz agreed to plead guilty to all the charges against him, including first degree murder and torture, in exchange for a reduced charge of voluntary manslaughter for his wife. 

More on the plea deal in the Schatz case

Read my other Pearl's Posts here..

Reflecting On "Biblical Chastisement"

Lydia Schatz's parents have pled not guilty to murder and torture. It seems so strange to me to type those words: murder and torture. I know that it happens, but I just can't wrap my brain around how. When I look at my children, I can't fathom it.

The news articles I read keep calling what happened, "Biblical Chastisement".  I'm starting to really hate that term. I understand why they're using it. I understand that they're trying to bring some kind of understanding to something unthinkable. My problem is that I believe in a loving God. My God is so full of Grace and Mercy that what the Schatz's did is the antithesis of what His word teaches me as a parent.

I pray that when people think of Christianity, this is not the image they carry with them. The Pearl's teach no mercy, perfect obedience, and discipline at the end of the "rod". But within the pages of scripture, I have read over and over the importance of grace, understanding, and that the most important lessons can not be trained or beaten in.  We do not reach the hearts of our children through the switch, but through daily acts of love and sacrifice.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

1 Timothy 1:15-17 (bolding mine)

This is the God I believe in.  The one who shows mercy and unlimited patience to me, who is so undeserving. Why would I not try to do the same for my children?

Are The Pearl's Responsible?

This article by Matthew Raley, hits all the major points that I think Christians need to be made aware of in regards to the Pearl's and their warped theology. It is the flawed theology that lead them to the conclusion that parents must use the rod on their children, and which leads parents down a road of fear and legalism. This is very well written. Bravo, Mr. Raley, and thank you for lending your voice.

A Response To Michael Pearl

Mr. Pearl apparently has heard that he has vocal dissenters out there.  He posted a message to Facebook as a way to answer us.  Once again, Mr. Pearl has missed the point entirely, and I am terribly disappointed by his response.

Original Statement by Michael Pearl can be found here.

It has come to my attention that a vocal few are decrying our sensible application of the Biblical rod in training up our children. 

Only because I believe it to be neither sensible, nor biblical.

I laugh at my caustic critics, for our properly spanked and trained children grow to maturity in great peace and love.

That is not the only way to teach children, nor to allow them to grow in maturity and love.  In fact, I'm of the opinion that this happened despite your methods, not because of them.

 Numbered in the millions, these kids become the models of self-control and discipline, highly educated and creative-entrepreneurs that pay the taxes your children will receive in entitlements. 

Wow.  So, now those of us who disagree with you are raising children who will be a burden on the state?  This is such an inflammatory statement.  It's as if he's heard the arguments that have been made about the flaws in his theology and teachings, and instead of responding to that, has instead chosen to attack.  The attempt to deflect the attention isn't working for me.

When your children finally find an honest mechanic or a trustworthy homebuilder, it will be one of ours. When your children apply for a job it will be at a company our children founded. When they go to a doctor, it will be one of our Christian children that heals them with cutting edge innovation. When your adult kids go for therapy it will be one of our kids-become-psychologist that directs them to the couch and challenges them to release their self-loathing and embrace hope for a better tomorrow.

This is the packaging of fear.  Follow the Pearl's or your children will grow up to be listless, lazy, second-rate, and likely in need of therapy.  But I think of the Schatz children.  They all bear permanent scars to their souls after watching their parents kill their little sister while doing things the way the Pearl's taught.  My children are happy, they're healthy, and they're safe.  Because I'm their mother, and I will do my best every day to raise them to be amazing people of God, and I will not hurt them.

When your children grow old and realize their mortality and seek to make peace with their Creator, it will be one of our children that shares with them the message of God's love and forgiveness.

As my kids sing songs that they've made up about the God who loves them, I can honestly say that they already know those things, and they didn't learn them at the end of a switch.

My five grown children are laughing at your foolish, uninformed criticism of God's method of child training, for their kids-my 17 grandkids-are laughing . . . because that is what they do most of the time. 

And I'm sad for your insistence that what you teach is "God's" method.  As if God would bend us over and give us 10 licks.  No.  God Himself took our place, so that we would not face wrath.  God's way is merciful, but you teach no mercy.  And I'm sorry that in the face of the death of yet another child, you would think that laughter is the appropriate response.

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance"         Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4 KJV

I love laughter and I love to hear it from my children.  In fact, I often do.  But not when a little girl dies.  When that happens, it is time to mourn.

They laugh when Daddy is coming home. They laugh when it is time to do more homeschooling. They laugh when it is time to practice the violin and piano. They laugh when they see their Big Papa coming (that's me) because Big Papa is laughing and they don't care why just as long as he laughs with them.  My granddaughters laugh with joy after giving their baby dolls a spanking for "being naughty" because they know their dolls will grow up to be the best mamas and daddies in the world-just like them.

Spanking doesn't make the best mamas and daddies in the world.  Character, compassion, grace, discipline, mercy, honesty, understanding, patience, love, and a thousand other things go into the best parents.  The God I believe in doesn't want us to beat our children into submission:

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. Psalm 22:9

I think I will trust God, and be the nurturing parent He designed me to be.  Somehow, without spanking, my children are still disciplined and wonderful.

People all around the world, in places like Russia, China, Germany, New Zealand, Guatemala, Peru, Africa, and fifty other countries are laughing with joy because after applying the Biblical principles found in our books they finally have happy and obedient children.

Perhaps their children have become fearful enough of the lash to be obedient.  But breaking the spirits of children doesn't make me want to laugh.  It makes me sad for those families.  And it makes me wonder how long until we hear of the next child, dead at their parent's hand.

Even my chickens are laughing . . . well, actually it is more like cackling, because they just laid another organic egg for my breakfast and they know that it was that same piece of ¼ inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken.

Let me finish that statement differently: they know it was the same piece of 1/4 inch plastic supply line that trained the dogs not to eat chicken, which also broke down the tissue in a seven year old girl's body so that her organs failed and she died.  I'm sorry for your dogs, Mr. Pearl as well as the children.

Still Thinking About Little Lydia

It's been a long week, and I've had a lot on my mind. Sometimes, I am so grateful that my children are mine. That they live in my house, and that I get to be their mother. Not only because I think they're special, but because I've seen how other kids are hurt, and I know that in my house my children are safe.

Talking about the Pearls' and their materials has made me feel heartsick. I hurt for the parents who are trying so hard to do the right thing. And I hurt for the children who are being hurt by teachings that encourage parents to tempt, punish, and expect so much more than a child is capable of.

This week I spent a lot of time holding my kids. Nursing my baby, cuddling with my little ones, talking with my 12 year old. Knowing how wrong one family went made me more intent on connecting with my family and reassuring myself about the path we're on.

Next week I'm going to focus on more of what I can do to be one small voice raised in concern. Too many families are still using these methods.

Bring Back the Boycott!

Four years ago the world lost little Sean Paddock after his mother suffocated him.

She followed the Pearls.

When little Sean died, those of us who were already critical of the Pearl's teachings, spoke out.  We joined in a boycott and tried to share the danger with anyone who would listen.

Now we've lost little Lydia Schatz after her parents beat her to death with the plastic tubing the Pearls recommend for child "training".  And after reading this moving blog post at Beauty For Ashes, I don't think we can continue to believe that only those who are naturally prone to abuse could be devastated by the implementation of the teachings in To Train Up a Child.

I am asking that other parents join in another Boycott.  But I think we need to go a bit further than just our blogs.  I think we need to talk to our Pastors and religious leaders, write letters to our Homeschool organizations, write local talk radio hosts who might discuss it, and talk to other parents.  We have to get the word out that these methods don't place the rod of discipline in parents hands, but a loaded gun.  If parents follow these instructions to the letter, it is a manual for child abuse.

Michael Pearl said, in a statement to the press,

We do not teach 'corporal punishment' nor 'hitting' children. We teach parents how to train their children, which sometimes requires the limited and controlled application of a spanking instrument to hold the child's attention on admonition.

This is a semantics game, Mr. Pearl.  Using a spanking instrument during admonition is corporal punishment.  And the instructions that parents should:

“…use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally. Accept no conditions for surrender. No compromise. You are to rule over him as a benevolent sovereign. Your word is final.”

From To Train Up a Child, by Michael and Debi PearlChapter 6: Applying the Rod

As a community, our desire to be good parents has allowed in a style of parenting that turns our children into the enemy and beats them for their imperfection.  It promises the perfect obedience that even faith has not given us as adults.  And it pushes us to take these methods as far as necessary until our children submit.  At least two children have paid for their parents mistakes with their lives.  So now, can we stop it?


Other Pearl's Posts to read:
Muse Mama: Giving Up On To Train Up A Child
Muse Mama: The Pearl's Are Wrong
White Washed Feminists: To Train Up A Child Review
Water Lily: Spanking In Anger Isn't the Problem
Holy Experience: Perfectionism
Tulip Girl: Vulnerable To Abuse
That Mom: Child Abuse In The Name of Jesus
Quivering Daughters: How Many More Little Girls Need To Die?
No Longer Quivering: Disciplining to Death: No Greater Joy Ministries and Child Abuse
Contending With The Cultrue: Tragedy In A Homeschooling Family
The Home Spun Life: Time To Speak Out, Even If It's Hard

Find my other posts about the Pearls in the sidebar, under the label NGJ
Sign the petition to ask Amazon to remove it from their virtual shelves, here.

Giving Up On To Train Up A Child

I'm writing this in the hopes that some parents will know that they can put away these books, and other parents will think twice before picking them up in the first place.

In many ways I am still a new Christian. I came to faith in Christ (a true faith, based on more than just being raised in the church) as an adult. And in many ways my walk with Him has been a crawl through the fog on rocky ground. It has been difficult to make the choice to follow Christ, and I have struggled to find ways of being Christian enough. I wanted people to look at me and know me as a woman of faith. In that desire I have sometimes strayed too far to the side of legalism.

My experience with the Pearls started when Piper was a year old. I was pregnant again, with Bridget, and having a hard time with discipline. In every way that Reagan had been easy, Piper was hard. A strong word would cause Reagan to cease bad behavior while that same word would cause Piper to scream at me. She made me feel embarrassed. And I was at a loss as to how to work with her. She seemed much more secure in her ability to be a feisty toddler than I was my ability to parent her. I had ideas about boundaries and consequences but no idea how to implement them.

I needed a plan that would give me back a sense of control in my house. The Pearl's were recommended by a mom whom I respected (and still do), and so I bought To Train Up a Child. I read it in a day or two. Then I read it again. The Pearls spoke with such authority, that I simply accepted that they were authoritative, and began implementing their methods. This is where my failure as a Christian, and as a mother, began.

I used a ruler or a wooden spoon for Reagan, and a pencil or the spoon handle for Piper (as I was unable to find the kind of switch they spoke of in their books, and read that this was an acceptable alternative). The Pearls taught that the switch was appropriate for training and discipline, so I used them for both. I implemented them completely, taking all that they taught to heart. Much to my surprise, it didn't work.

I was stunned. How could God's way not work for me? The Pearl's book was peppered with scripture, surely their way must be correct! I decided that it must have been my fault. So I purchased the No Greater Joy books, read their website, and signed up for their newsletter. Some of my questions were answered. Some were not. I increased our switching, and worked at 100% consistency, which is what the Pearl's said was needed to receive perfect obedience. But it still wasn't working.

In response to my failure, I hardened myself. I defended the Pearl's here on my blog, against the grace based disciplining moms. Grace based discipline sounded permissive at best to my Pearl trained ears. Such things couldn't possibly work! The Pearl's had assured me of it. I became frustrated and angry both at myself (whose fault it surely was) and at my kids, whose continued lack of total obedience only made my failure more obvious. I increased the switching, certain that must be where my problem was. Then fear set in. The harder I became, the more Piper rebelled. Our relationship had turned adversarial. I had to win. We weren't a family team anymore. It was her against me. I was afraid that soon it would cross the line, and turn from a spanking to a beating. I was now in fear of hurting my precious child whom I loved more than anything. With that fear, I sunk deeper into feelings of guilt, doubt, and failure.

I had failed. I had failed as a mother and I had failed to be a Berean testing everything the Pearls said against scripture. After heavy prayer, I found myself humbled before the God who forgives, and who shows grace and mercy to his children. My heart was softened and I began listening to the Pearl objectors with new ears.

I read a lot, and I asked a lot of questions. I went to message boards and asked the grace based discipline parents what it looked like in their home with their methods of parenting. I spent more time in prayer over it, and more time in my Bible. I finally listened to the inner voice that I had silenced, that part of me that bristled with things that the Pearl's had said that had seemed totally counter intuitive to me.

Then I put down the Pearl's books, and put down the switches. I sat my children down and apologized for my parenting experiment gone wrong. I told them that we would not be spanking anymore.

I began something different. I set up house rules, with specific consequences. When someone was misbehaving I offered a warning. I would say what was being done wrong, and what would happen if it continued. That gave them a chance to choose to stop on their own. It also offered them the lessons of choices and consequences. Good consequences were made part of right behavior. I also began reading more about attachment parenting, something which seemed much more right to me.

With the increased connection to my children's hearts and minds, I was able to see more of the motivation for negative behavior. With that knowledge I was able to work on both their heart and their actions. It has allowed us to grow close again, and begin to heal the damage that I did to our relationship. We are again part of the same team. An idea that the Pearl's seemed to believe in, but didn't come naturally out of their methods.

And I stopped worrying about how Christian I am. I am a Christian because I proclaim the Gospel of Christ and because, with His help, I live it out. Not because I do things Michael and Debi Pearl's way. I have learned to question those who proclaim their way as God's.

Michael and Debi Pearl have raised four productive members of society. That makes them experienced parents and not parenting experts, or biblical experts. What they share is their opinion, and their experiences, and should be given only that weight. Against it should be weighed the whole of scripture, and the example of parenting that God gives us in Himself.

I support the boycott of the Pearl's materials, because this is not a private issue. Were these ideas things that the Pearl's believed only personally, then I think it would be appropriate to bring it only to them. But they have made these materials public. They have shared them with many parents all over the country and the world. And I think it is important for those who would be purchasing them to know what concerns other believers have.

Most recently the Pearl's have gone beyond their parenting advice into advising battered women, and wives whose husbands are sexually abusing their children. I believe their advice to be irresponsible and dangerous. People should know these concerns before they look to the Pearl's for help.

I am grateful for the women who answered my questions, respectfully, disagreed with me here on my blog, and prayed for my family. You were God's voice in my ear. And now, this imperfect mother is able to parent her imperfect children with discipline that is tempered by grace and mercy.

I pray that we as sisters and brothers in Christ would continue the dialog with a humble spirit, and led by God. It can only better us as parents, and help our children.

ETA: Please see my post from 2/23/10 Bring Back the Boycott!

Addendum 4/10/11: As I write now, I find myself in a very different place than I was spiritually back in 2006 when I originally wrote this post.  Interestingly, while I would write it now with less explicit religious undertones, I still believe in what I wrote.  There is a better way to parent than what the Pearl's teach, and I'm so grateful to have found it.  We can parent our children with grace, regardless of our faith and have better families for it.  Considering these methods have led to the deaths of at least two children that we know of, I believe we must continue to speak out against such abusive child rearing methods, regardless of our religious views.

The Pearls Are Wrong

I discovered the To Train Up a Child series about a year ago. We were struggling with disciplining Piper and raising three children. The Pearl's appeared to have all the answers. On the surface their materials made sense. And they seemed very Christian.

I quickly realized that if I were to discipline Piper the way the Pearls recommended, the "training" would border on abuse. I found in the beginning that it worked, but the price was too great. My children didn't trust me anymore. I became a hitter. They feared me, certainly, but the respect was deteriorating. I could sense my connection with them slipping away. And the initial good results were short lived.

The Pearls talked about tying heart strings. It was really wonderful stuff, actually. But I couldn't teach them the non-violence I wanted to while continuing to accept that it was okay for me to hit simply because I was bigger, or the "authority". I am the authority, but I don't have to spank to prove that.

The more I researched the Pearls, the more far-out I found them to be. In one article in their NGJ magazine they actually referred to homosexuals as "sodomites" and used the possibility for homosexual marriage as the reason that none of their children are legally married.

Ultimately, after considering the materials, and the consequences, I had to disregard the Pearls entirely. I could never imagine Jesus telling me to hit my children. I looked into Attachment Parenting, which was my natural style, and have found it to be just what the Dr. Sears ordered. I'm still healing the rift I caused with Reagan by following the Pearls.

Now they've gone a step farther into what I believe is the endangerment of Women and Children. I'm going to put parts of the original article in italics. The original article can be found HERE.

If you or your children have been hit (other than the children being spanked) so as to leave discernable marks two hours later, and you genuinely fear that he will repeat his battering, you can take legal steps without divorcing your husband.

My mother was hit by her second husband. He knew exactly HOW to hit her and not leave marks. Hitting is a violation of the vows of marriage. It is a deal breaker.

In a moment when he is not angry, calmly inform him that the next time he physically assaults you or the kids, you are going to call the law and have him arrested... I visit prisons every week. It is a great place to mull over the consequences of one’s deeds... Think about it, lady; it is a great time for writing love letters and sharing a three-minute romantic phone call once a week. Guys who get out of prison run straight home to their ladies and treat them wonderfully—for a while anyway.

Wow, that's what a battered woman should do? Risk the wrath of the abusive husband who might snap and kill her? Time in prison that it can be a great time to work on the romance? I'm sorry, but this is not right.

If your abusing husband fully understands that you have the power of the law behind you, he will learn to keep his hands in his pockets.

No, the abusive husband has already proven he lacks control. I don't buy this, and I wonder what research the Pearls have done to back up such a statement? Everything that I have read about domestic violence says just the opposite. He has an anger problem and a control problem, and the family is not safe with him.

But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is willing to seek counseling and repent, then fine and good. If not, then go to the law and have him arrested.

Seek counseling? Repent? But remain in the home with the children he's molested? This is downright dangerous advice. Men sexually abusing children will say whatever it takes to remain near the children and continue the abuse. Children are too great a risk to take with someone who has already crossed that boundary.

Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution.

I'm sorry, but if someone, anyone, molests my children, my duty is to stand by the children, not the man who hurt them. What message does it send to the child molested that the person who did this to them is accepted back into their mother's waiting arms? Mothers don't get to decide how much time a pedophile does. Very often they get short prison sentences. And a woman who brings the man back into her home risks the children's safety and her ability to retain custody. This advice is dangerous and wrong.

God hates divorce—always, forever, regardless, without exception.

I agree that it displeases God when families break apart. But that is NOT without exception. It is clear within the Scriptures that it is permissible to divorce under some conditions. Adultery is the condition that Jesus gives as being grounds for a divorce. Sexual molestation of a child is a form of adultery, and the worst kind. It not only violates the sacred covenant between man and wife, but also the sacred covenant between parent and child. As a woman, I see no biblical command to honor that. I do, however, see a great responsibility given by God to be a steward of our children. That means protecting them from harm, even if it's from their own parent.

The Pearls state their opinion in such a way as to appear to speak the Word of God, and are leading people astray. How many women will damage their children by staying with abusers and molesters in an attempt to "glorify God"? If the answer is even one, it's one too many.

I hereby revoke any endorsement stated or implied of the Pearls and their materials regarding home, family, and child rearing.

May God have mercy on those who spread this kind of thing in His name.