30 Weeks 5 Days

I am huge. Huge and uncomfortable. I'd like to keep working out, but that gives me Braxton Hicks contractions, so I've had to stop. Sprout has had a growth spurt and I can definitely tell. So can my back, my sciatic nerve, and the waddle I'm trying desperately to stop.

On top of the physical changes, I've had an emotional shift. I think it started a few days ago when I was entertaining the feeling of relief that I'm at a point in my pregnancy where, if something went wrong, the baby would need medical care, but would survive. Then it hit me: All the stories of loss moms who went full term and had losses. The moms who sat around at 30 weeks, like me, preparing to take their babies home, but had to hand them over after birth and go home with empty arms. I was so overwhelmed with the I'm-not-out-of-the-woods-yet sensation, and I don't think I've completely shaken it. I wonder if I could ever again have a pregnancy without some sense of possible doom. The idea that being pregnant means I'll take home a baby is something else that HPE took from me.

It's hard for an introspective person like me not to be introspective while pregnant. Pregnancy naturally takes one inside of themselves as you focus on your body and how it's changing to accommodate a new life. It's hard not to daydream about the new baby and how it will fit in to our family. But I'm trying. I'm not watching baby shows, I'm not currently reading any books about pregnancy or birth, and I'm trying to spend my time with my family, taking care of my home, and engaging in activities that get my mind out of myself.

So, color me surprised when I had dream after dream after dream last night about giving birth. In one dream I couldn't remember giving birth at all, and Dominic wouldn't tell me what happened. In another, I couldn't seem to get labor to become painful and I worried that the baby would never come out. In yet another, I gave birth so fast that I didn't feel I'd really done it. Yes, I gave birth repeatedly last night. And in the dreams were odd details. I wanted to go out to lunch with a specific friend, but Dominic thought it was a bad idea to leave the hospital. I moved cars in that dream instead. Why on earth would I move cars? I was walking to increase contractions in another. In one, various people kept coming to my labor room to visit. California friends and family who couldn't possibly come to the hospital in Minnesota! While I did dream that Sprout was full term and latching on well to nurse (talk about a detailed dream!) it was all very bizarre.

So, this morning I was well slept, but not well rested. I'd been giving birth all night long! Tomorrow I won't be able to catch up on any rest. I'm working. But at least I've done a lot of laundry today. I think laundry stalks me. I wash it, fold it, put it away, and it comes right back again. It might be out to get me.

Here's to a night with no birth or baby dreams. Here's praying for a night filled with dreams of Carribean beaches, clear blue water, and a good masseuse. Waking up from a vacation dream sounds lovely.