January 6, 2004

Today was another very productive day, academically speaking. Reagan continues to excel in LA and Reading and has made a great deal of progress in Math comprehension. I'm very proud of him.

Thank you to everyone who responded about my problems with Reagan's dad. I actually received an e-mail from him (still no phone call to his son, mind you) telling me, with the help of some colorful expletives, that he wouldn't give up his rights etc. I really never thought he would, I was more hoping that it would spur him to action.

J. still has a lot of issues with me that are totally irrelevant to what kind of a father he chooses to be. He's now blaming his lack of involvement on our move to MN, despite the fact that we are generally in CA 1-2 weekends a month and he often went for months at a time without seeing Reagan before we moved. I've told him, even if I'm not going one weekend, I can send Reagan out with Dominic so he can see his dad. And what choice did we have? Dominic is the one supporting Reagan and his job moved here! we certainly didn't wake up one morning and think, "Hmm, maybe we should move 2000 miles away from all our family and friends, that sounds like a good idea!" I mean, really, have I mentioned that I lived in the same house my WHOLE LIFE until I got married? I was a girl with roots! I love MN now, but it wasn't something I was thrilled about at the time. It was what was necessary. I suppose it's easier to blame me than to find solutions or take action to change things.

As far as child support goes, it actually is being handled by Child Support Services of Orange County. The thing is, he's generally lost in their system. He's changed jobs, or they don't know where he lives, etc. So, I generally have to do a lot of the leg work to keep them up to date on him. Not that I'm seeing huge results. I have a court order for $251 a month. And he owes about $11k in back child support. That didn't add up overnight.

J. is definitely not happy that I'm homeschooling. He was very popular in school (unlike myself) and I'm sure he thinks Reagan should have those experiences. I challenged him to research the benefits of homeschooling on children both academically and socially. I also challenged that if he still disagreed with my decision that he should prepare a cohesive argument and we should discuss it. I'm always happy to discuss things regarding our son, I'd just like a little more than his "feelings" to base decisions on.

I have always encouraged my husband to keep records about when he picks up and drops off his daughter, etc. to be able to show a pattern should we need to in court. I suppose I should take my own advice. And a living trust is an excellent idea. I prodded my parents until they had one drawn up. I told them I probably couldn't afford to get their house through probate if the died. Also, as a nurse and one of 5 children, I wanted say on medical decisions for them. I'm the one who knows their wishes and would be best equipped to make those choices. So, I have durable power of attorney for healthcare should they be unable to make decisions for one another. I hadn't thought about preparing a trust for me.

As for me, all of this has in no way decreased my late-pregnancy-anxiety. This combined with nightmares about the baby, and the news that my best friend (expecting her first baby, we were so excited to be pregnant together) has received that her baby girl has a chromosomal disorder that will most likely lead to her death soon after birth have only increased my restlessness. Please pray for her and her husband and their baby.

Tradgedy has the most amazing way of bringing total clarity while turning the entire world upside down. Being frustrated with the situations I have helped to create can have no bearing on how I choose to behave. I must continue to get up every day and be the wife and mother that God has called me to be. And I must continue in the "sacrifice of thanksgiving" that comes when you don't understand "why" but follow God anyway. And while I have tried to protect J.'s feelings as well as Reagan's, I will always do what I believe to be best for him. That's the agreement that I made with him, myself, and God when I decided to raise him.

Thank you to everyone for your council, thoughts, and prayer.