The Final Word

I sat down with my ob/gyn today. He had conferred with my perinatologist and discussed everything. I had a whole page of questions, and he patiently let me ask all of them. Here's what we know:

Our daughter has what I think is some kind of neural tube defect. The defect caused malformation of both hemispheres of her brain. The ventricles of her brain have filled with fluid (hydrocephaly) and is pushing fluid and her meninges out of a hole in the top of her head (cranial meningocele). Because of the severe malformation of the brain, she is "not compatible with life". Those words still sound so strange to me. She seems so alive now, turning and kicking.

I discussed carrying her to term, which does carry significant risks for me and it's likely that she would die in utero before then, and induction. We are still a pro-life family and ruled out abortion immediately. Induction seems to be the best option for us. I will enter into the hospital and receive prostaglandins to help open my cervix. Because I've already had 3 children, it hopefully wont be too hard. Once my cervix opens, they will rupture my membranes and give me pitocin.

After delivery he would like me to stay 1 to 2 days in the hospital. With a new baby I would object (always anxious to take baby home), but I think I might need that time without the demands of 3 children just to grieve. I ordered my SareBear today as well. Sara's Smile is a company started by a couple in honor of their daughter Sara, whom they lost to an illness. They provide teddy bears to grieving mothers. The bears have a turned down smile, are about the size of a baby, have weighted feet the size of baby feet, and a little weighted bottom. They're soft and cuddly, and I remember thinking when Grace was lost a year ago, that they were a great gift to give. I never thought I'd need one myself. But I don't want to go into the hospital without mine.

I've decided against an amniocentesis. I don't want any more tests. We've decided they can look at baby after she's born, but we also don't want an autopsy. I don't know what else is going to happen, or what else we need to arrange. Right now I'm just kind of numb. In a few minutes I'm sure I'll feel differently, but right now I'm just kind of in la la land.

Keep up the prayers.

Comments:

1	'A visitor' posted on the Wed 23 Mar 2005, 7:31 am FROM CECILY'S BLOGim so incredibly sorry for you and your family. The decision that you made was the right one for you, no other opions mattered!! I am so so sorry for your loss dawn edit   delete   report-as-spam