I thought every week that passed, I would feel better and more comfortable. But instead I feel like the closer I get, the less secure I feel. I've started to think past actually getting him here, to what life will be like afterward. What I want is a sweet, mellow, babymoon. What we're going to have is the NICU, post-op procedures, and frequent doctor appointments. And, of course I'm scared by that.
So, what do I do for support?
Well, I'm not part of any support group anymore. I'd found one that virtually imploded after a new mom joined to get support before an induction. When she wasn't well received by some of the moms, I took it personally. Can't imagine why. So, I left the group and I wasn't the only one.
In real life, I have tons of people who are thinking of us and praying for us. And I wish I could explain how much each one of those people mean to me as we go through this. At the same time, people have their own lives to deal with, and I kinda feel like this is just something I have to deal with on my own.
My mom used to say that you do things, just because you have to. I always thought she made all the rules, so I didn't understand that. Now I do. I go through each day and try to get done all that needs to be. Not because I'm particularly strong or brave, but because I have no other choice. Don't get me wrong. I'll be fine. I'll figure things out. I'll get through it. It's just not the easiest thing I've ever done. But then, I guess motherhood is always a labor of love.
My dear, you DO NOT have to go through this alone! This is why other people exist, because it's too much for us to bear all alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the support group you found turned out to be UNsupportive.
I don't think your updates are whiny, much less BS. You've got a lot to deal with.
I hope you find a supportive group, and that you will come to a place of having others who can be trusted to help on days when you can't deal on your own. Everyone has them.
((hugs))
*hugs* I am here for anything you need. If I am stuck in this annoying state of "modified bed rest", do not worry. I can still find a minion to help me out! ;)
ReplyDeleteI understand with the endless worry. Last night i had a dream that I gave birth to Panda and she was so small, she was driving around a toy car.
You may not have an official "support group" but you have all of us: friends, family, etc that love you and want to do everything we can to make things easier on you.
I don't think your updates are whiny. And even if they were, we CHOOSE to read your blog... and you have every right in the world to be whiny if that's what you need to do to get through this.
ReplyDeleteI know we only kind of peripherally know each other through online interactions and friends of friends, but I'm thinking of you and sending good energy to you and your family.
Fiona, you make a really good point. You do choose to read it. I should find a way to work that into a warning label of some kind.
ReplyDeleteSonya, I know you're always there, and I love you for that. But A) considering they haven't uttered the words "incompatible with life" I feel kind of selfish sometimes being as scared as I am, and B) You're kind of dealing with your own issues, and I do NOT want mine to stress you out. So there! <3
Kathryn, I think I've gotten very little good out of support groups. Though I did get you, and you're freaking awesome. One day I'll come to Georgia for a visit, I promise!