A New Year, A New Focus

2011 was not my year. I got pregnant, unexpectedly, at the end of 2010.  Between the changes in my immune system, made to protect my baby, and having a bunch of kids in public school for the first time, I got sick.  And because my work had changed their policies, giving me fewer sick days, I ended up in trouble.  The last straw was in March when I contracted gastroenteritis and was in the ER.  They actually told me not to come in to work, but considered it an "involuntary absence", and since no absence was excused under their policies, they fired me.  I've never been fired from a job.  Ever.  And I was a good nurse.  The only thing they had in my file was the attendance issue.  Which, a year before, wouldn't have even been an issue.

I was so frustrated, hurt, and worried for our family.  Then it got worse.

It was one week to the day when I was fired that we got Liam's diagnosis of encephalocele.  In one week I'd lost a job I'd had for seven years, and been told that my baby might die.  March sucked ass.

I had four months of worrying, waiting, and fear.  Then a premature birth, a c-section, Liam's brain surgery, Liam's shunt surgery, and several financial setbacks due to lack of employment.

I will not miss 2011.  Not even a teeny tiny bit.

I spent 2011 afraid.

2012 is a New Year.  And while, sure I want to lose the baby weight and feel better about myself in the new year, I mostly just don't want to be afraid anymore.  Not for my child, not for our family, and not for myself either.

This year a lot of bloggers have chosen a word as the focus for their writing.  While I'd hardly lump myself in with some of the amazing writers who have done this, I have chosen one too.  Mine is Courage.  My goal this year is to find the Courage to do the things that scare me, to step out from the postpartum depression, and the fear that has pulled at my soul.  I want to be brave enough not only to continue to work on myself, but to share it without fear.

Wish me luck.