I Was Held

I still think about Sarah, a lot.  I think about what we went through, and try on different scenarios and different choices.  I think about what it brought me, in terms of my faith.  It brought me to a place where I was utterly humbled and on my face before God, relying on him for the will to breathe in and out.  Because my daughter was dying, and I couldn't fix it.  God didn't descend on a cloud and make it all better.  He didn't write me a blog-post and defend me against my critics.  He didn't raise my daughter from the dead and give her back to me.  But He never left me alone.  He never allowed me to despair for that next breath.  He didn't just walk beside me.  He carried me, when I lacked the strength to stand.  And He showed Himself through simple human kindness, and with the hands of His body, the Church, and my brothers and sisters in Christ.

A friend played this song for me tonight.  It can be heard here.

Held by Natalie Grant:
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

When the world turned upside down, and the very color of the sky seemed to change, and I was lost amongst people who seemed to go on as if everything were still the same, when the sacred was torn from my life, and by His Will, I survived....I did so, because I was held.