Sometimes It Hits Me

I have been busy transferring old blog posts to Wordpress. Since Blog-City doesn't play well with others, there's no easy way to upload all that I've written there and bring it over here. So, one by one, I've been copying and pasting, living in html, and appreciating how much work I've put into my blog over the (almost) four years.

Then suddenly I noticed my pregnancy ticker in the sidebar. 23 weeks and 3 days. It even says "viable outside of the womb". And it hit me that I never got this far with Sarah. At this point with her she was already gone, and I was deeply grieving her loss. It's funny how it just jumps out from time to time and grabs me. It's happened enough, you'd think I'd be used to it. But it still startles me how much I can miss her when I knew her so briefly. But I've worked hard to rembember the feel of her hand on mine, and the slight weight of her in my arms. I can almost smell the soap they used to wash her feet after taking her footprints.

I am so grateful for every kick this baby gives me, and every little squirmy wiggle inside. I only wish their big sister were here with us to wonder over it as well.

(The picture for this post isn't random. That is a Sare Bear. We were given one when Sarah died. They are made by a non-profit organization called Sara's Smile which provides these special bears to loss moms. They rely on generous donations to be able to provide these bears for free to mothers who have lost their babies and children. If you know someone grieving the loss of a child, this is a beautiful and comforting gift.)