The Beginners Guide To Pregnancy...

All righty, Peeps.  What happens when the Muse Mama runs out of blog ideas, or thinks if she writes about her kids she'll alienate her readers by rambling on about how much she wishes muzzles were legal for small kids?  A list, that's what.  So tonight, before I get away from my children, I offer you the following:

Top 10 Things Every Woman Should Know About Pregnancy:

1. Morning Sickness is bullshit.  It doesn't just happen in the morning, and it doesn't always magically disappear at 12 weeks.  The Bestie is 3 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy and is still having Morning Sickness at 27 weeks.  How crappy is that?  There are medications that can help, and God knows that there are a million-and-one folk recipes.  But the best advice I can give you is to follow your gut.  Pun intended.  If you think it will help, do it.  If you think it will make it worse, don't.
2. Your boobs will be awesome!  And no one will be allowed to touch them.  Finally you'll have the cans you've always wanted.  Your partner will be so excited, until they want to play.  For most of us, touch our breasts while pregnant, and you might lose your hand.
3. Ice Cream is not a food group.  Okay, so maybe not everyone has the same cravings I have during pregnancy.  Not all of you are driving in circles around the local Sonic, trying to talk yourself out of Chili Cheese Fries.  But whatever your craving is, unless it's for carrot sticks, it may be sneaking up on you.  Maternity clothes are forgiving.  Especially with a big baby in front of you to take the focus off.  Once that baby comes out and you can see your thighs, it's scary.  Be prepared.
4. I don't care what your friends have told you about stretch marks, you can't keep them away if you're predisposed.  But Cocoa butter is your friend.  It will help the itching.  Yes, there's itching.
5. Not everyone gets beautiful hair, nails, and a glow.  Some of us are lucky if we don't have horrible acne or broken capillaries from all the throwing up.  Don't worry, it will end.
6. Babies are heavy.  Even in utero.  A pregnancy belt is your friend, especially if you work a job that keeps you on your feet.
7. Mood swings are real.  Keep a stash of whatever makes you feel better.  Chocolate and a hot bath work for me.  And by all means, tell you partner that you're crazy and to go with it.  It doesn't help if they tell you you're irrational.  You know that already.
8. Don't Read What To Expect.  I swear, it's a great reference book, but it won't give you the kind of important information that you can get in books like The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy or Pregnancy Sucks.  
9. Don't listen to the horror stories.  Everyones labor and delivery is different.  It's better and worse than you expect it to be.  It's too late to go back now, so don't listen to anyone who scares you.  Even if it's your mom.
10. Enjoy.  This is the only time you'll have this particular relationship with your child.  Savor the kicks, even when they're in your ribs, bladder, cervix, or that really tender muscle down low.  It feels like forever, but it's not, so take your time and remember.  Write down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  It's worth it.