Dear Liam

Dear Liam,

When I got the diagnosis that you had an encephalocele, I was really scared.  I thought, once you were born and I'd held you in my arms, I wouldn't be afraid anymore.  I guess I just thought that with the weight of you, would come a feeling of permanence.  Mommies sometimes have ways of kidding themselves.  Because if we didn't, we wouldn't know what to do.

You'll be five months old tomorrow.  You've done so much already.  You've were born premature, had brain surgery, and worked really hard to do the things that other babies do very easily.  But it's been a struggle, and lately you've been fighting too hard.  We're not sure how much you can see, but we know you don't see us.  You eat, but you can't always keep it down.  You're gaining weight very slowly.  You cry a lot more than you did.  We wonder if you hurt.

It's been decided that next Friday, you'll have another surgery.  This one will put a shunt into your brain to let the extra fluid out.  They think it's that fluid that's making you have to work so hard.  I have to be honest, kid, I'm scared again.  I know this is a relatively minor surgery, and I should probably take a deep breath because in a few years you'll be doing things that are probably much more dangerous than this, but I'm your mom so I don't have to be logical or reasonable.

There are a lot of things you're going to learn about me as you grow up.  I'm not afraid to talk to you about anything.  I have a wicked sense of humor and probably rely a little too heavily on sarcasm.  I don't let my kids get away with much.  But most of all, I love you beyond what I can explain with words.  And the day that you are old enough and capable enough to read this, I'm probably going to cry, like I've done when you've hit every milestone.  You're my son, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you grow up healthy and happy.  And I'll probably drive you crazy in the process.  I'm pretty sure that's what mom's are for.  I think I read that in the handbook.

So, you just get through this next surgery, and we'll see what comes next.  I promise I'll be there every step of the way.

Love,

Mom